Strong and Rigid Boundary

A great nurturing experience is like being in the mother’s womb. The child in the womb keeps kicking from inside. The womb takes the kick, expands a little, but, pushes the baby back gently, conveying the message: “This is your boundary! You’re not allowed to cross this“. It’s a strong boundary and a nurturing experience.

As a parent, therapist, counselor, teacher this is a skill to be honed.

There is a difference between strong boundary and a rigid boundary. A strong boundary accommodates change with time, growth and circumstances and retains its structure. A rigid boundary doesn’t accommodate any change.

FAQs on Coaching

What is the difference between coaching, mentoring, consulting, therapy and counselling? 
Therapy and Counselling deal thru the past emotions, which aren't yet healed and resolve the present issues. 
In Mentoring and Consulting the mentor or consultant guides you thru the challenge based on his expertise in the same field. 
Coaching works thru the present and future. It isn't guiding you with subject matter expertise solutions. Rather, it is creating new possibilities, fresh perspectives, awareness by connecting the coachee with his potential. So, coaching can be done on any personal or professional life issue. 

How long would coaching go on? 
Depends. A session is for an hour. So, it may run for 3-4 sessions or more or even may get resolved in a single session. It depends on many parameters like complexity, depth and so-on. It may so happen that the issue is altogether different and you hadn't thought of in that direction! The coaching conversations are explorative. 

What about confidentiality of our discussions? 
It is a matter of trust. I can't show you any proof, but, I promise you that I am the last point of contact for our conversation. Nothing will go beyond me, without your permission. Trust how you feel and take a call. I welcome you to not take or continue the coaching with me, if you feel you can't trust me. Trust between us is the fundamental requirement. Often, it builds over the sessions. 

Why can't I do it myself?  How about self help books? 
It is not a deficiency in you. Each of us have blind spots, which are something which only others can see, and not the person himself. You're already engrossed in your own belief system, values, thinking and emotional patterns. Unless, someone comes and talk to you and holds a mirror to your thoughts, emotions, behavior, values and beliefs, this is almost impossible or may take a long time where you may come across belief altering, enabling life events! 
Self-help books may help, but, they aren't tailored to your issues. 
Coaching is a structured way, in a considerable time frame, working in a personalized way with your challenges. A coach is trained in conducting conversations. 

What are your skills? 
I am a ACC(Associated Certified Coach) trained coach from ICF(International Coach Federation), working towards my accreditation. I am also studying Transactional Analysis, a behaviour and personality theory, in Organization theme. 

Would coaching create dependency with Coachee? What happens after coaching? 
In coaching, we work on the person and not on the issue. So, even after the coaching is completed, the new perspectives and awareness will continue to be with the coachee. This is the advantage of coaching.In future, if you encounter another issue, which requires you to evolve further, you can re-connect for more exploration. 

What kind of issues can I bring to coaching? 
Anything you have from personal life or profession life, from work, colleagues, relationships with anyone, social behavior, time management, growth, health, money, hobby or any conflicts; 

Few examples are here: 

• I want to start jogging
• Can't study consistently
• Have loan and working for earning money. This has create guilt of not spending time with family.
• Want to organize a family event, but, not able to
• Want to continue with job or start a business or change field of work
• Want to go for long drives, but, scared of consequences
• Relationship with my sister(or put any other relationship) isn't working
• I don't have regular sleeping patterns
• I want to move up in my career ladder, but, don't know how!

I Don’t Have Time

When I hear: 'I don't have time', I take it as: 'I don't give priority'. 


For ex:
I am very busy, I don't have time to go for walk in the morning, 
I don't have time to watch that movie, 
I don't have time to meet friends and so-on. 
You can fill...I don't have time to...

I prefer to use: 'I don't give priority for it now' or 'I have not started it yet'; Rephrasing like this also helps to understand self and other's priorities and structure ourselves. 

How Coaching Works

Coaching is a co-creative conversation and journey between a Coach and the Coachee to realize the potential of Coachee and achieve what he desires to.

What does a Coachee desire? It can be ANYTHING which is not working for him/within him/he doesn't desire and he wants to move to a state where it is working for him/within him/he gets it. 

GOALS or CHALLENGES FOR COACHING:
What this ANYTHING can be? Here are few examples:

1. I amn't able to manage my time.
2. I feel stressed out, unclear of my goals. Not able to prioritize.
3. I amn't sure whether I want to continue this job or start my business.
4. I Want to spend time with my daughter, but, held up with my work.
5. I want to go to arts class, but, held up with my business due to financial commitments.
6. I am pro-active and working as CEO, but, not able to get into a director's role.
7. I am scared of going for long drives, but, I want to travel places in my car.
8. I want to reduce my weight, but, nothing seems to work. etc.

BENEFITS OF COACHING:

As the conversation progresses, it creates clarity about goal and the issues by addressing it in terms of the root cause, impact, severity, complexity, blockers, rigidity and so-on. With this clarity emerging on the goal from various dimensions, new possibilities open up for action, which weren't evident earlier. The Coach would continue to help the Coachee build this solution, again by checking it to ensure that  it is realistic, meaningful, workable and so-on. At the end, the Coachee would realize his own potential to handle the issue and realize the possibility. There comes a new shift in the perspective of the Coachee. So, even after the coaching ends, Coachee is left powerful and he can carry it to the other areas of his life. 

COACH's SKILLS:

In a coaching, the Coach and Coachee will have a co-creative conversation, where Coach

1. Explores the issue from various angles, giving Coachee various perspectives; 
2. Bring awareness about various neglected or hidden or unseen things within the context; 
3. Stand as a reflection for Coachee's thoughts, feelings and behavior and help to see himself; 
4. Listen to Coachee at superficial, belief, value, emotional levels and understand completely;
5. Make a reality check on Coachee's fantasy and help reshaping it.

A Coach is trained in questioning techniques, catching what we are ignoring, identifying the blindspots, listening skills, change cycles, belief system cycles, behavioral theories, noticing what's not said and so-on. 

A Coach isn't a mentor/consultant - who gives solutions based on his expertise. He isn't a therapist/counselor  - who helps you to address your past, not healed issues.

Sense to What Non-Sense!!

When we are in conversation with others, there comes a moment when we start thinking inside - "What non-sense is this guy talking!" or "He is so irritating" or "He is so silly" or "He is acting smart" and so-on...
This is the moment when the whole conversation has shifted from 'between two people' to 'within oneself'. This is the moment of judging the other. Judging means making an opinion about the other. Then it further continues on proving our view of the other than evaluating/listening.

When Something Goes Wrong

When something goes wrong, there is tendency to blame the 'person'. The 'person' here would be self or the other. When the blame is more often on the self, it results in 'self blame'/'self criticism' and feeling low about the self. When the blame is more often on the other/circumstance, it results in 'lack of responsibility'/'self righteous'.

Its a heavy feeling to blame/beat ourselves. And so is also being righteous. Though, on the surface we make ourselves to be righteous, feeling that something has gone wrong because of me is also unbearable. 

When an incident happens, there are 3 parameters which get involved in it: self, others and the circumstance. The outcome has to be measured in 3 angles: what was my participation in it, what was other's participation in it and what is circumstance's participation in it(context).

Looking in this way, with 3 lenses helps to assess the situation objectively. The 'self blame' / 'self righteous' pattern reduces. This in turn helps to learn from what's happened.

Separate the Person and ...

Note the difference between these statements: 

"You're creative" v/s "Your ideas are creative".  "You're wrong" v/s "Your point is wrong" or "Your work is wrong" 
"He is great" v/s "His work is great"
"You're right" v/s "Your point is right".
"He is an idiot" v/s "His idea is idiotic". 


The difference is the latter statement separates the wrongness/greatness/rightness of a work/point/idea/thought/work from the person. The person, invariably, remains as a person, an individual.

This leads us to be compassionate and empathetic, think and accept the person as an OK person, while his idea, thoughts, work is great/stupid/right/wrong/idiotic. It can be applied to a thief, where the person is OK, while the job isn't good. Same is for a great inventor, where the person is OK, while the invention is excellent. It also gives us an idea to punish/praise the task and not the person. Each person, invariably, is worthy of love and respect. 

Hence, comes the fundamental idea of I am OK, You're OK. 

We do it very obviously with the material things, like your car is slow, your house is beautiful, your shirt is nice and we won't say you're slow(referring to car), you're beautiful(referring to house) or you're nice(referring to shirt). As the material is physically separate, we separate the person from the material and comment. The same has to be carried on to person's thoughts, feelings and behavior.

Complete the Separation

In high school, college or office, while someone is leaving, a send-off is arranged. Same is true, when one's returning and the relatives/friends arrive till bus-stop/station to see you off. Though this has come as a standard practice, these were opportunities to reflect, grieve and complete our thoughts, emotions about the current setup, from which one is separating.

This is applicable to everything that we separate from as in starting of the school for the children, waking them up in the morning, changing their food habits, anyone changing a routine, becoming dad/mom, becoming a Project Manager from Lead, from service to starting a business. Some changes are small, some are big and very impactful as in separation thru death, divorce, re-locating. They are in various categories: job, location, relations, roles, education, friends, traffic, culture and so-on.

When a change is about to begin, we need to complete the current setup. All that is required is to understand that we are getting into a change, reflect, grieve and complete about it in thoughts and emotions. Sometime this would take a small time, sometime long time. Thats why we say 'Time will heal everything'. 

Difference Between Guilt and Shame

The difference between Guilt and Shame.

Guilt: something wrong at DOING level, the deeds.
Shame: something wrong at BEING level, which is at the whole as a person.

Ex: When someone says ‘I am ashamed of myself/you’. It is pointing to the whole person.
And when someone says ‘I am/you’re guilty of having done it’ then it’s pointing at task level

For the Love of Facebook/Whatsapp

A person visits FB for :
1. To see how many likes have come for the post.
2. To see if there is an intellectually stimulating post - A funny video, a naughty comment, updates of friends, political news, some awesome/awestruck videos/events. Will the same recognition/stimulation come when I am travelling in a train/bus, attending a marriage function, at home with family, sitting in loo, eating, working in office, while talking to someone, out for a tea break....? No. So, why to take my attention out of FB/Whatsapp?

Every human being has 2 basic(survival) hungers: Stimulation Hunger, Recognition Hunger. FB/Whatsapp fulfills these 2 hungers. Its like yummy food! As usual, the hunger will re-appear after a period of time and so he re-visits the FB/Whatsapp. Same is case with children, who seek lots of stimulation, as they are creative beings and so are fascinated to videos. This is a natural phenomenon. This was true for earlier days also. Then Mahabharatha gave the highest stimulation and hence, all the streets were empty for that 1 hour on Sunday. The physical games gave the stimulation than studies and so we were in grounds. Today FB/Whatsapp are giving more stimulation and in an easy way than sports/games. Easier for parents to handle children thru mobile than otherwise.

A suggestion in an article can't create a solution, which could fulfill our hungers in a healthy way. Its a journey of restructuring our lifestyles, which will take time evolve.

Difference Between "Fun" and "Happiness"

Don't mix FUN and HAPPINESS. 

We hear the statement: 'Have fun', 'Be Happy'.

We don't get to hear: 'Have Happy', 'Be Fun'!

Why?

'coz, FUN is something one can HAVE, like HAVING meals. It comes from external things like music, party, cinema, jokes, games etc. So, one can pay and get it, if required.

HAPPINESS is something one can BE. You can't HAVE it! It is INFLUENCED by several external factors like fun, spouse, job, boss, finance, circumstances etc. One can choose or let be influenced by the external factors. For ex: When I have lost a loved one, I don't want to BE HAPPY. I let the circumstance influence me. However, if I am letting every other circumstance influence me, I would spend much of my life being NOT HAPPY. 

So, FUN may give HAPPINESS, but, it exclusively doesn't mean HAPPINESS. 

LGBT and Social Impact

The legal approval of LGBT has huge cultural, emotional impact. Adopting babies not for the reasons of infertility, growth of children with parents are of same sex, sharing of family responsibilities between the couples, for the elders it’s son and son-in-law or daughter and daughter-in-law, divorce between them, men-men and women-women emotional problems!

It’s quite a long journey and generation’s futuristic view. The impact will gradually be on all the fields - education, jobs, medical etc. As the untouchability, caste discrimination vanished, and inter caste/inter religion marriages were accepted, so would these be. When we get old, we will say: “In our times these were taboos, now it’s all accepted!”.

The fields of human study in terms of relationships would need lots of studies, research. This is a journey which would keep itself impacting previous and next generations. A society is a group and it has a group dynamic. There is a new role in this group dynamics. How the dynamics evolve no one can predict.

The popular husband-wife jokes will disappear and women won’t have to blame that partner don’t understand her and vice versa for men!

Whats My Opinion About Coachee?!

At the end of the coaching sessions, I usually get this question from the coachee: "What did you think about me, while going thru our session?"

My answer is: "I didn't think anything. All the while I was neutral. I didn't had any internal dialogues going on".That sounds a bit intriguing, weird, 'can't believe'...kinda answer. 
However, that is the way that happens to me and happens in a typical coaching conversation. The moment a coaching conversation starts, I and coachee start navigating thru the issue that the coachee has bought for the coaching. All my attention would be on the 'coachee' and the issue . I'll not be in any internal dialogue of my own. If in case I get into my own internal dialogue, I am out of coaching conversation and my attention is not on the coachee. 

In a coaching conversation, whatever coachee feels or thinks or experiences matters. It is not about what is right or wrong about the issue. If the dialogue is in that direction its getting judgmental. The conversation is about how coachee's thinking or feeling or experiencing is coming in his way of progress and success. What I feel or think doesn't matter and it doesn't arrive in a coaching conversation. 

Coaching and Judgmental Voice

A coaching conversation is a co-creative journey with the coachee. A good coach needs to have several qualities related to being objective, neutral and being non-judgmental. These are not something which one can apply on others, until one starts living them. Its a journey to get on terms with these qualities. There are different ways to implement these. One of the easy way to come out of judging voice in oneself is here. The saying goes: "We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behavior". So, to come out of judgmental voice, reverse the saying. The moment a judging voice comes to awareness, check the intention of the judgement. The grip of judging loosens severely!!

What's Coaching

Coaching is co-creative conversation between the coach and the coachee. The term 'co-creative' means that the conversation is co-created by the coach and coachee. This conversation is about the topic(issue/challenge/problem) that the coachee brings for the coaching.

As the coaching conversation progresses, over one/more sessions, the coachee starts seeing the path ahead of himself, where he was struggling and arrived for coaching. The coach doesn't impose/suggest any of his ideas/views on the coachee. So, it often feels as though its all done by the coachee and the coach did nothing, except being in the coaching conversation. Yes, that's exactly what coaching is: connecting the coachee to that potential in him by bringing in the realization and fresh perspective. The coachee brings the content, while the coach facilitates the process. The conversation is all about identifying and exploring this potential in coachee. The coach is trained to conduct such conversations through listening, reflecting, summarizing, clean language and many other skills. A coach believes that the coachee has all the potential in him to achieve what he wants to and even go beyond that, either in professional or personal front.

The coaching takes place on the person and not on the issue. So, the learning and insights from the coaching sessions would continue to be with the coachee down the line and not end just after the coaching.

The coaching could be done on any of the topics: Identifying the blocker, clarifying the values, choosing the direction of career/moving up in the ladder, personal relationship, money, hobby, a conflict; OR day-to-day matters like: going for daily walk, going to gym, avoiding learning of vehicle, not doing skills development, getting more time for an activity, relationships;

Could cover any sectors and roles like: Medical, Pharmacy, IT, Daily life, Architecture, Politics, Employee, Employer, Lead, Teacher, Wife/Mother/Sister, Husband /Father/Son/Boyfriend etc.

Note that Coaching is not Counselling or Therapy, which deals with healing the past also, along with addressing present and future. It is also not mentoring/consultation, which deals with sharing coach's specialization knowledge in the same field. Coaching deals with present and future of the coachee.

I am an ICF(International Coach Federation) accredited ACC(Associate Certified Coach)'s trained coach, from CoachingDevelopment institute. I have 'Certificate of Attendance' granted for adhering to ICF's guidelines of practice and development towards the training completion. I am applying for ICF Credential by attesting the coaching experience hours.

I am offering my coaching service. If you're interested to know more or explore this opportunity, please contact me on: Kiran.katawa@gmail.com or +91-9513599919.