Often in people's conversations, apart from the core content, there are many other sentence that are talked, but they don't carry any value. Have a look at these:
1. What I want to check with you is...
2. I just want to confirm this with you...
3. I want to tell you something...
What do they serve? They almost come automatically, particularly in hierarchy relations or when the person(who is saying) is scared of 'coming to the point'. Notice in a close relationship and these fillers are less. One directly "checks" with a close friend and doesn't say..."What I want to check with you is...".
The mere fact of seeing these sentences hints at the presence of the 'fear' in the air, for the one(talker) of the other(to whom he is talking to). This trait can be used in building a good relationship by:
1. Understanding the essence of the communication.
2. Understanding whats the fear underneath that's bothering the other.
On the other hand, to make your communication with good impact - make sentences straight to the point, instead of having many fillers. This would automatically set the context straight, to the point talk and makes you a good communicator. Again, this impact on the other person will be without awareness and consciousness(unless, of course, he is also reading this article or knows about the sentence fillers :) ).
Of course, these are not the sentences which are formed consciously, with awareness. The 'fear' may not be anything specific. It may be in general about the hierarchical relationship. This will serve a manager to become a leader, a parent to understand his child and in general to be empathetic to someone, who is coming from a 'fear' space! It also takes ethics to not use such skills for personal advantage, particularly in work environment.
Happy conversing!! :)
Sunday, July 7, 2019
Friday, May 31, 2019
The Significance of The Relationship With the Child
Becoming or being a parent(father or mother) gives an opportunity to express unconditional love to the child - physically, emotionally and in thoughts. It is the GIVING experience. There is no condition on expressing or receiving of the love. The child wholeheartedly accepts and responds to the love. That is the opportunity a child brings by coming in one's life.The unconditional expression of love by the parent, its acceptance by the child, reciprocation by the child and finally the acceptance by the parent completes a cycle, bringing in a bundle of joy.
Does this whole cycle happen with the pet, yes! it does. Does this happen with the material things? No, it doesn't.
Consider expanding the same thought to the other close relationships, which we enjoy. These relationships do give an opportunity to express the love, which is accepted, reciprocated and which in turn we accept, all unconditionally. But, there is a significant difference between expressing the love to one's own child and to a grown up. With the child the love expressed is unconditional, it is a pure joy and a fulfilling experience. The moment of expression is devoid of any thoughts, doubts and conditions. In turn, the child guarantees an unconditional acceptance this love and leads to building a life long relationship. The cycle of expression of love by parent, its acceptance and reciprocation by the child and in turn its acceptance by the parent is complete. This isn't the same experience and expression with the grownups. In the grownups, it is not guaranteed whether this expression of love is unconditional, and if so, will it be accepted and reciprocated unconditionally? The answer gets revealed only after the relationship gets established over a period of time, with one or both risking their vulnerability for expressing and accepting the unconditional love and it works. All due credit to the human nature and the experience in growing years. By the time one becomes adult, the life experience brings lots of doubts, difference in the ways of expression/acceptance of love, fear of rejection etc...between the two human beings. Note that all these parameters are not there between the parent and the child. The child accepts the love howsoever you express. It doesn't have the language of love.
So, Love is all about unconditional expression. And the close relationship is all about the cycle of expression of unconditional love, its acceptance, its reciprocation and its acceptance by the 1st person.
The arrival of the child gets us in touch with this human capacity and ability to express unconditional love. The arrival of every new relation in our life also gives us this opportunity, but, with the caveat of vulnerability.
Extending this further, when a beloved departs us, either moving away to a different home, different place or thru death, we miss the opportunity of whole cycle to express unconditional love-its unconditional acceptance and reciprocation and final reception by us. Its broken, either gradually or suddenly. Hence, one goes thru sadness and pain, which is sometimes unbearable. It would take time to settle down by rearranging other relations and filling the void.
Does this whole cycle happen with the pet, yes! it does. Does this happen with the material things? No, it doesn't.
Consider expanding the same thought to the other close relationships, which we enjoy. These relationships do give an opportunity to express the love, which is accepted, reciprocated and which in turn we accept, all unconditionally. But, there is a significant difference between expressing the love to one's own child and to a grown up. With the child the love expressed is unconditional, it is a pure joy and a fulfilling experience. The moment of expression is devoid of any thoughts, doubts and conditions. In turn, the child guarantees an unconditional acceptance this love and leads to building a life long relationship. The cycle of expression of love by parent, its acceptance and reciprocation by the child and in turn its acceptance by the parent is complete. This isn't the same experience and expression with the grownups. In the grownups, it is not guaranteed whether this expression of love is unconditional, and if so, will it be accepted and reciprocated unconditionally? The answer gets revealed only after the relationship gets established over a period of time, with one or both risking their vulnerability for expressing and accepting the unconditional love and it works. All due credit to the human nature and the experience in growing years. By the time one becomes adult, the life experience brings lots of doubts, difference in the ways of expression/acceptance of love, fear of rejection etc...between the two human beings. Note that all these parameters are not there between the parent and the child. The child accepts the love howsoever you express. It doesn't have the language of love.
So, Love is all about unconditional expression. And the close relationship is all about the cycle of expression of unconditional love, its acceptance, its reciprocation and its acceptance by the 1st person.
The arrival of the child gets us in touch with this human capacity and ability to express unconditional love. The arrival of every new relation in our life also gives us this opportunity, but, with the caveat of vulnerability.
Extending this further, when a beloved departs us, either moving away to a different home, different place or thru death, we miss the opportunity of whole cycle to express unconditional love-its unconditional acceptance and reciprocation and final reception by us. Its broken, either gradually or suddenly. Hence, one goes thru sadness and pain, which is sometimes unbearable. It would take time to settle down by rearranging other relations and filling the void.
Monday, May 20, 2019
The Dragging Feeling of I Could Have Done It Differently!!
After an action/decision is taken and moved on, one gets into an internal conversation saying: "I wish, I could have done it differently". This conversation is not for the bigger or highly impacted events, but for day-to-day, smaller things like: "I could have taken that bus instead of waiting for auto", "I could have written the response differently", "I could have taken a day's leave", "I could have eaten curd rice instead of chapati" and so-on.
There is a difference in
1. Learning from our past deeds and adding to our experience.
2. Doing an internal exploration to create greater awareness about ourselves.
3. And dwelling into an almost always, auto conversation of - "Instead, I could have done...".
While the 1st and 2nd gives an opportunity for learning, self understanding, the 3rd is simply an internal, often automatic conversation. Of course, it doesn't help to change the past and nor is it helping to change the preset or future, thru learning.
Why does the other option, which was not chosen, becomes relevant and the point of internal conversation(automatic) in retrospect? Often it is an automatic response. By dwelling in the internal conversation of what other thing one could have done, the person
1. is avoiding and not reaping to the fullest, the outcome of the activity that was done/decision that was taken.
2. will be lingering and connected to the past like a rubber band, making the present journey a dragging one than a free flow.
The internal conversation gives an opportunity to the person to say to himself that you're incorrect then! While, what is important to notice is at the time of execution, one has executed a task with whatever clarity, dilemma, fears(of certainty or uncertainty), automatic behaviors, mood, wishes one has. It was, what it was and the best available option and hence it was executed. It would be helpful, if one sees the decisions/actions taken in that context in which the one was.
How about moving on with whatever the outcome the activity or the decision has given? This brings in a lot of attention to whats happening now and makes the journey a free flow than feeling like a drag.
There is a difference in
1. Learning from our past deeds and adding to our experience.
2. Doing an internal exploration to create greater awareness about ourselves.
3. And dwelling into an almost always, auto conversation of - "Instead, I could have done...".
While the 1st and 2nd gives an opportunity for learning, self understanding, the 3rd is simply an internal, often automatic conversation. Of course, it doesn't help to change the past and nor is it helping to change the preset or future, thru learning.
Why does the other option, which was not chosen, becomes relevant and the point of internal conversation(automatic) in retrospect? Often it is an automatic response. By dwelling in the internal conversation of what other thing one could have done, the person
1. is avoiding and not reaping to the fullest, the outcome of the activity that was done/decision that was taken.
2. will be lingering and connected to the past like a rubber band, making the present journey a dragging one than a free flow.
The internal conversation gives an opportunity to the person to say to himself that you're incorrect then! While, what is important to notice is at the time of execution, one has executed a task with whatever clarity, dilemma, fears(of certainty or uncertainty), automatic behaviors, mood, wishes one has. It was, what it was and the best available option and hence it was executed. It would be helpful, if one sees the decisions/actions taken in that context in which the one was.
How about moving on with whatever the outcome the activity or the decision has given? This brings in a lot of attention to whats happening now and makes the journey a free flow than feeling like a drag.
Tuesday, April 9, 2019
I Wish My Child To Be Not Like Me
When the child is seen behaving more authentically, more powerfully, being an extrovert, less talkative and so-on and so-forth, the parents say: "I will encourage my child to continue to be so. I don't want him to BE LIKE ME!". On the surface, though this looks an encouraging statement, it is more of a self judging and self criticizing statement.
This kind of encouragement shows that there is a part in parent's behavior which the parent dislikes, disowns. The parent is bound by it, helpless with it. The child will see the parent as the PARENT IS. If the parent is driven out of guilt, shame and supporting the child thru this drive, it conveys the same to child. Children learn a lot by modelling, particularly from parents and parental figures, like maama-mausi, aunty-uncle, grand-pa, grand-ma and so-on. If the talk and the inner feelings are not congruent, the child has an access to a living in-congruent model to copy.
Coming from this motive also indicates that the parent encourages the child to reach the other end of what the parent's behavior is! There is no rationalization of whether such a behavior is really required or not required in child, whether such a behavior is natural to the child or not. All that drives a parent is - projecting his unfulfilled wish on the child.
These kinda of statements and thoughts give an opportunity for the parent to look within and identify the part of oneself which is disowned and disliked. It either can be overcome or embraced as one's nature by therapy or coaching.
It would be of a greater help, health, strength and esteem, if the parent encourages from the place of being OK with his own behavior, thinking and feeling patterns. This automatically lets the child to be the way he is, as the parent is now not driven by any of his unfulfilled wish to project on the child. The parent is free and lets the child be free. In fact, this would help the parent to see the child's behavior rationally and guide with what's required for a healthy independent and inter-dependent behavior.
This kind of encouragement shows that there is a part in parent's behavior which the parent dislikes, disowns. The parent is bound by it, helpless with it. The child will see the parent as the PARENT IS. If the parent is driven out of guilt, shame and supporting the child thru this drive, it conveys the same to child. Children learn a lot by modelling, particularly from parents and parental figures, like maama-mausi, aunty-uncle, grand-pa, grand-ma and so-on. If the talk and the inner feelings are not congruent, the child has an access to a living in-congruent model to copy.
Coming from this motive also indicates that the parent encourages the child to reach the other end of what the parent's behavior is! There is no rationalization of whether such a behavior is really required or not required in child, whether such a behavior is natural to the child or not. All that drives a parent is - projecting his unfulfilled wish on the child.
These kinda of statements and thoughts give an opportunity for the parent to look within and identify the part of oneself which is disowned and disliked. It either can be overcome or embraced as one's nature by therapy or coaching.
It would be of a greater help, health, strength and esteem, if the parent encourages from the place of being OK with his own behavior, thinking and feeling patterns. This automatically lets the child to be the way he is, as the parent is now not driven by any of his unfulfilled wish to project on the child. The parent is free and lets the child be free. In fact, this would help the parent to see the child's behavior rationally and guide with what's required for a healthy independent and inter-dependent behavior.
Tuesday, March 5, 2019
Whats Behind Performing a Simple Task
At times, we don't do a task, though it is quite simple. As such the task in itself is not complex or time consuming. Why don't we do it then?
Always, it is the feeling that we associate with that task that matters. What is it that one is feeling about doing that task is what decides whether it will be picked up or not. It may be as simple as a 2 minutes task of brushing the tooth before going to bed. As such the task is simple, may take just 2-3 minutes. But, does one do it? This expands to larger tasks in life like purchasing a new property, changing a job, going to office the next day, going to meet a friend, reading, writing and so-on. This is usually associated with procrastination of the tasks we plan for, the ones we value.
What one feels about doing the task stems from the values in life. Taking the above example of brushing the tooth in the night, if having a good health is in the person's value system, he would pick up the task as a priority. He will feel happy and contended for living that value.
Consider another real life example that was brought to me. The person wanted to do a set of tasks on daily basis. He wanted to keep a checklist of what's done and not done. However, he postponed doing this for a week. As such the task was simple to mark a tick or a cross against the task for that day of the week. In retrospection, it was evident that marking something as 'not done' was bringing guilt in him and he wasn't aware of it, until we discussed about the reasons for avoidance. He was quite uncomfortable with it. He valued being perfect in life.
When a person makes a new year's resolution, it would help to see what's the value which he wants to live, before making the resolution than just looking at the outcomes of that resolution.
Taking a moment to check how it feels, to observe the emotions, before plunging into any activity, would hint at how the activity would further progress...And it would be of more help to understand your feelings and values, in accomplishing the success of the task at hand. Happy working...
Always, it is the feeling that we associate with that task that matters. What is it that one is feeling about doing that task is what decides whether it will be picked up or not. It may be as simple as a 2 minutes task of brushing the tooth before going to bed. As such the task is simple, may take just 2-3 minutes. But, does one do it? This expands to larger tasks in life like purchasing a new property, changing a job, going to office the next day, going to meet a friend, reading, writing and so-on. This is usually associated with procrastination of the tasks we plan for, the ones we value.
What one feels about doing the task stems from the values in life. Taking the above example of brushing the tooth in the night, if having a good health is in the person's value system, he would pick up the task as a priority. He will feel happy and contended for living that value.
Consider another real life example that was brought to me. The person wanted to do a set of tasks on daily basis. He wanted to keep a checklist of what's done and not done. However, he postponed doing this for a week. As such the task was simple to mark a tick or a cross against the task for that day of the week. In retrospection, it was evident that marking something as 'not done' was bringing guilt in him and he wasn't aware of it, until we discussed about the reasons for avoidance. He was quite uncomfortable with it. He valued being perfect in life.
When a person makes a new year's resolution, it would help to see what's the value which he wants to live, before making the resolution than just looking at the outcomes of that resolution.
Taking a moment to check how it feels, to observe the emotions, before plunging into any activity, would hint at how the activity would further progress...And it would be of more help to understand your feelings and values, in accomplishing the success of the task at hand. Happy working...
Friday, February 8, 2019
An Apology - Am Sorry! Really?
Sending a plain apology doesn't help much. It is important to know what is the action for which one is apologizing? What hurt the other person and caused the discomfort in him? Is the apology coming from the guilt voice or one is aware of the pain/sadness/discomfort/trouble that is caused in another.
Often, when we see the other crying, angry, sad, we apologize immediately. This may be out of one's fear of the consequences, once guilt voice(oh! what did I do?) However, it may be completely irrelevant to the other. Also, when we we apologize without understanding, it holds every chance to repeat - either with the same person or other person. Or, one may get confused as what to do and not to do with the other person. Having a clarity helps us to not repeat such actions or customize these as per the context/person we are dealing with.
Similarly, when we are on the receiving end, we usually wash off an apology with an - "its okay", "don't worry" etc. But, as a receiver, does one really know why the apology is for? Does one know that the reason the other is apologizing is the same for which one is upset? We don't bother to check. I amn't advocating to not to say "Its okay" or "don't worry", but, do understand what's coming in rather than being numb.
Same applies for "Thank you" and "You're welcome"/"Its Okay". Being present to why one is thanking an another and why an another is offering a thanking note would create a good bonding between the two.
Tuesday, January 22, 2019
Holiday - What Happens to Us?
When one goes for a holiday, there is change. The change is in many terms - climate, surrounding, culture, food, people etc. These all stimulate senses, intellect and emotions. Its a different experience. Also, it is different from what one does in a routine life.
Each of us are recognized in many ways. For ex: if we're a tourist, we're welcomed by the hotel staff or the room service boy attends us. The rikshawalas checks if we want their service; if we're visiting families/close friends, we're welcomed, the relatives would wave you, exchange words, memories, events; we'll be served tea/coffee or called for food, they want to take us out; suddenly, we are so special in that setup. Our presence is so much recognized! These seem pretty small and obvious things that happen in a visit; But, they matter very much. Do we get an invite for tea/coffee/meals daily at home, even if we get it, it is from the same person and so, it won't have much affect as it would be when someone different calls us.
The 3rd important thing that happen is that the time is so much structured. Even if we have not planned anything day wise, the fact that we are off for some days and just out to enjoy it as holidays, itself structures the time.
In this way, the basic hungers - stimulation hunger, recognition hunger and structure hungers are so well fulfilled. Tell me now, why won't we feel so refreshed after every return from the holiday; and why are we so desperate to have the holiday?
To further expand this, it gets applicable for any routine change activity that we plan to do like meeting friends, partying, movie, eating out etc.
Each of us are recognized in many ways. For ex: if we're a tourist, we're welcomed by the hotel staff or the room service boy attends us. The rikshawalas checks if we want their service; if we're visiting families/close friends, we're welcomed, the relatives would wave you, exchange words, memories, events; we'll be served tea/coffee or called for food, they want to take us out; suddenly, we are so special in that setup. Our presence is so much recognized! These seem pretty small and obvious things that happen in a visit; But, they matter very much. Do we get an invite for tea/coffee/meals daily at home, even if we get it, it is from the same person and so, it won't have much affect as it would be when someone different calls us.
The 3rd important thing that happen is that the time is so much structured. Even if we have not planned anything day wise, the fact that we are off for some days and just out to enjoy it as holidays, itself structures the time.
In this way, the basic hungers - stimulation hunger, recognition hunger and structure hungers are so well fulfilled. Tell me now, why won't we feel so refreshed after every return from the holiday; and why are we so desperate to have the holiday?
To further expand this, it gets applicable for any routine change activity that we plan to do like meeting friends, partying, movie, eating out etc.
Which Books to Read? There are So Many Out There!
We keep being recommended to read many books, particularly the personality development books. These books have plenty in variety - learning about subconscious behavior's influence, NLP, Love, Children's behavior and so-on and so forth. The challenge is which book to pick up and which not?! Every book will have good ratings and people would have given amazing comments and how it has influenced them. So would your friends and colleagues who keep sharing how a specific book is so amazing and blow you out!! The challenge then is which book to pick up and which not to? Of course, when someone suggests a book, they would share the good intentions of we getting those benefits.
Picking a book is similar to liking a movie. Not that we like all the movies which are hit or recommended by public or friends. We have our own favorite genre, within those we like sub-category with specific directors, actors, story and so-on.
Similarly, each person has a need, which he is working towards and struggling to fulfill, in his day-to-day life. For someone a book may be amazing, 'coz, it would have fulfilled what he was seeking or struggling. Not everyone would enjoy it to the same level. So, it is important to find out, whats the need for which I want to read this book.
The other influencing factor is how each person has a way in which he absorbs the information. Someone would take it in a very analytical way, some would prefer to have practical steps and then connect the theory, some prefer to keep it straight to the point and start in minimal steps, some would prefer to know the theoretical background and then adapt it to the practical steps, some would want to have the whole picture of it and then go step by step and so-on.
For ex: There is 'fake it to make it' approach, where people are asked to fake the way they want to to be/do and then, over sometime this would become an actual approach and it would no more be fake. This theory works. But, may not be likened by everyone. In such case, its preferred not to take such an approach or books relevant to it.
There are some books that talk on concentrating, mindful living, will power usage and so-on. Again, these approaches would work. But, not everyone wants to get directly onto the solution, without understanding the problem definition, the theory of these approaches, happenings within one's personality and connect all the dots and come to an -'Aha' moment!. Each has a different flavor of learning.
So, know your need, know your learning method and then use them as guides for your selection. There are plenty out there to read. Happy reading.
Finally, it would be interesting also to watch what the friend or colleague is saying when suggested a book. If he says - "I recommend this book" or "You need to read this book". The subtle difference is, the first one is saying: "I like it and I recommend it and leave the choice with you". The second is saying: "I like it and I am mostly sure of your likes or dislikes and mostly you will also like it".
Picking a book is similar to liking a movie. Not that we like all the movies which are hit or recommended by public or friends. We have our own favorite genre, within those we like sub-category with specific directors, actors, story and so-on.
Similarly, each person has a need, which he is working towards and struggling to fulfill, in his day-to-day life. For someone a book may be amazing, 'coz, it would have fulfilled what he was seeking or struggling. Not everyone would enjoy it to the same level. So, it is important to find out, whats the need for which I want to read this book.
The other influencing factor is how each person has a way in which he absorbs the information. Someone would take it in a very analytical way, some would prefer to have practical steps and then connect the theory, some prefer to keep it straight to the point and start in minimal steps, some would prefer to know the theoretical background and then adapt it to the practical steps, some would want to have the whole picture of it and then go step by step and so-on.
For ex: There is 'fake it to make it' approach, where people are asked to fake the way they want to to be/do and then, over sometime this would become an actual approach and it would no more be fake. This theory works. But, may not be likened by everyone. In such case, its preferred not to take such an approach or books relevant to it.
There are some books that talk on concentrating, mindful living, will power usage and so-on. Again, these approaches would work. But, not everyone wants to get directly onto the solution, without understanding the problem definition, the theory of these approaches, happenings within one's personality and connect all the dots and come to an -'Aha' moment!. Each has a different flavor of learning.
So, know your need, know your learning method and then use them as guides for your selection. There are plenty out there to read. Happy reading.
Finally, it would be interesting also to watch what the friend or colleague is saying when suggested a book. If he says - "I recommend this book" or "You need to read this book". The subtle difference is, the first one is saying: "I like it and I recommend it and leave the choice with you". The second is saying: "I like it and I am mostly sure of your likes or dislikes and mostly you will also like it".
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